shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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