Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
