If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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