I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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