I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize