She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
