Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(443): View more from Maryland

a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?

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(818): View more from California

why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(705): View more from Ontario

APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(402): View more from Nebraska

but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.

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