just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
