Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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