3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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