sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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