I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize