who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
