Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
