I wish my penis had an off switch
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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