hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
