what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
