I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
