i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
