I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
