Tell her she can't have a vagina
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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