When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
