we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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