You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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