My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
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