Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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