So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
