I seem to have left my pride at pride
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Randomize
