What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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