Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
