i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
