I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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