She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
