did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
