the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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