i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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