if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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