guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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