My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
