I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
