can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize