If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize