Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
