Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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