i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
not ubering you a puppy
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
