we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
