my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
