so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize