Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
