Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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