you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
