Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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