I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
