If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
