i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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