you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
