Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
