I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
