That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
