I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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